These Are The Breaks

No, I’m not talking about one of Kurtis Blow’s early hits. What I am talking about is the nearly year and a half hiatus I took from this blog. Honestly, I had no idea what I was doing. What was I blogging for? Who was it for? Why?

For real, I had no clue. I thought I was supposed to be blogging, but really I didn’t know what to say. I didn’t feel that I had anything to contribute. Basically, I was scared to use my voice. Instead, I took to Tumblr, posting bit and pieces here and there until one day, my brilliant mom coerced me into keeping a year-long gratitude journal. At first I shrugged it off, but then started to get into it. My first post were along the line of: “I’m grateful I got to sleep in,” but then they began to evolve into 300-400-500-800 word posts. This gave me a grounding for an entire year — a practice that I loved. I’d write in my online journal, then write in my paper journal. I’d make sure I had enough time in the morning to do it all.

But then I hit day 365 this past June and I sort of hit a wall as well. I no longer had that daily practice to ground me and I let a few other things fall by the wayside. Without that morning ritual, which began with my journal (after the much-needed bathroom visit), my life began to feel stagnant, like a hot puddle on a Brooklyn sidewalk inhabited by a dance troupe of West Nile-carrying mosquitoes. Gross, right?

I learned quite a bit, evolved and grew a little over that year of daily, public gratitude. It brought some things into focus for me, but that focus started to become hazy as I abandoned my routine, which I wound up blaming on Venus retrograde and my impending birthday.

I fell out of love with a few things — work, writing, film, and even (gasp!) mamahood. For a few months, I didn’t really care and was doing the bare minimum. But it didn’t feel right, and even though I knew my body may have been resting from the activities of the last year, it was time for me to get moving — in any direction. I also had a lightbulb moment! Whereas before I felt I had to blog, as if it were a sentence handed down to me by Clarence Thomas himself, now I want to.

I’ve realized that I’m not going to be blogging like other folks who I admire, at least not regularly. I probably won’t be posting long commentary on pop culture or discussing the latest fashion or celebrity gossip. This blog is personal, all about me, and while what’s going on in the world has an effect on me and will seep into my writing, this is truly a personal space — one that welcomes comments and commentary.

I am grateful for the breakthroughs that this last year and change have afforded me and I’m more than ready to keep on keepin’ on.